This is the fifth part of my notes about negotiations, discussing the styles of negotiation that I prefer to use. The first part is here: Negotiation Notes: Introduction
Negotiation Notes Part 5 : When Things Go Wrong
Every time I have presented a workshop on negotiations, questions always come up about what to do after things have gone wrong, when someone’s limits have been crossed or their consent violated.
I always try to stress that I think my energy is better spent working on my negotiation skills so that these problems don’t happen, rather than on working out how to deal with it when they do. I don’t think overstepping boundaries or breaching consent is something that needs to happen, and so I want to continually improve my negotiations so that I don’t.
The more thoroughly I negotiate, the smaller and less harmful my mistakes will be.
Improving the odds
Before even getting into my ideas on how to handle issues, I want to mention some things that can help reduce the chances of problems.
First of all, I can limit the number of people I play with. Each new person means a new set of negotiations, a new inter personal relationship, and a new chance for misunderstanding or miscommunications. Early on when I was trying to learn skills, meet people and practice negotiation I played with many different people. Now, I value quality of relationships over quantity, and would rather play with fewer people but get to know them more deeply. I think this kind of relationship building reduces the chances of mistakes when it comes to negotiated consent. I remember hearing a busy top who had been called out try to justify their mistakes by saying it was hard to keep track of the limits of so many different play partners. While certainly true, it isn’t any kind of justification for not respecting limits.
I can also try to choose more experienced partners, ones who have had the chance to do previous negotiations, learned their own limits, and know their way around the community. I feel much more confident that I have someone’s consent when I know this isn’t their first experience.
I think it is sad that new bottoms are sometimes seen as trophies to be collected. We operate in an environment where experience is valued in tops, but often newness is valued in bottoms. Sometimes these newer people don’t realize until years later that their early experiences lacked ethical negotiations and sometimes never speak up.
This is not to say that we should never play with new people. Everyone needs to do their first scene, and it is only by giving the newer people chances to play that they become experienced. I just need to remind myself that I don’t need to play with every new person that asks. I also need to watch out for egotistical toxic thinking where I start to believe that I am the best and safest person for them to play with. If a large percentage of my scenes are with new-ish people, I should probably start to question my choices.
I can also take some steps to eliminate potential conflicts. We have a group that teaches rope classes, and we have established a rule that we instructors won’t tie people at our practices unless we had a previous play relationship with them. This removes the chances of our positions of power relative to the students being used, and having a generalized rule means we don’t have to make a decision each time. Likewise, if I am teaching a grappling class I won’t plan a grappling play session with someone I just met in the class. I have several other personal guidelines that I apply when deciding whether or not I should play with someone, and these have grown over time.
Apologies and Amends
Sometimes, even when we try our best we still make mistakes.
When this happens, I can take some steps to apologize and make amends. I want to be doing this because it is the right thing to do, and not because I want to try and prevent my partner from telling people about what I have done. I want to make my apology sincere and pure, without any other motives.
First, I immediately stop doing the thing. This seems obvious, but sometimes it happens that we keep doing what it was we got called out for. For example, if someone complains that I am objectifying them without their consent, saying “I’m sorry, it’s just that your ass looks so good in those stockings” is just continuing the problem behaviour.
Next, I acknowledge the wrongdoing and apologize. I believe that I need to do this without conditions or qualifiers, and without shifting the responsibility to my partner. At this point I don’t want to get into discussions of why it happened or which of us made a mistake in negotiations. If my partner says “Hey, I don’t want you to touch my breasts” then I should immediately stop, and tell them I am sorry for doing it. Not “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted that” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
Once we’re gotten through that, I can make amends if possible. In kink play, that often means ending the scene and sitting with my partner, maybe getting them to a safe place. If I have injured them, it might mean helping them get medical attention. Often the damage that was done is an erosion of trust, and it may take time to work through that if they even want to.
Finally I can work out what went wrong, and how to prevent it in the future. This might be done with my partner if they are still interested in interacting with me, on my own or with a trusted friend if they aren’t. Even if I will never play with that person again, I don’t believe my apology is complete until I have worked out how to avoid the same mistake in the future – even if they never know about it. It might mean committing to always doing negotiation in writing if I forget something they told me. It could mean that I add a new specific question to my standard negotiation practices. Or, it might even mean that certain types of play aren’t something I should be doing for now, at least until I have had the chance to learn more about doing them safely.
Once I have done all that, I need to not have any expectations of forgiveness. That’s up to the person I harmed, and is really none of my business. If they choose to forgive, it will be for their own reasons.
Although it’s just a few steps, it isn’t easy. Making a mistake is scary! Apart from feeling bad for hurting our partner, there is the fear of the consequences. It could result in damage to our reputation or being ostracized from the community. If we are a presenter, it can result in cancellation of our appearances. In some cases, there could be legal consequences. I think that when I make a mistake, I need to put aside the thoughts of the possible outcomes, and first do what is right for my partner. I chose them to play with because of who they are, and so now is the time to trust them. If I sincerely do my best for them, then I don’t need to second guess myself.
Sometimes our partners won’t tell us in the moment that we have crossed boundaries, It could be days or months later that they realize it. When they do, they might not even want to talk to us about it – and that is their right. After I have violated someone’s negotiated consent, they might not feel safe to even talk to me. I think that is why I need to monitor my own actions. If I have any doubts, I can consult my notes from the negotiations, or even ask my partner. There have been a few times when the next day I sent someone a message to ask if something I had done was OK, or to apologize for having done something that I wasn’t sure about.
Public Perception
Sometimes, people who were not even part of the scene object to things that have happened. At a public play party, people will notice the top who keeps playing after their bottom says “red”. We see the one who is playing with a drunk partner who clearly isn’t in a position to consent (or revoke consent). People are aware of the rope teacher who ties and plays with their students.
While there could be valid reasons for these, public perception matters. The things we do serve as examples to the newer people coming into the scene. I think those of us who have been around for a while should go above and beyond when it comes to modeling consent. If we do things at public parties where consent isn’t clear and obvious, we may get called out for it. And, when we do, the same form of apology that we used for an individual can apply to the community.
The times when I have seen people “cancelled” in the kink community have mostly been cases where people have tried to justify their actions instead of taking ownership for them and trying to do better. Taking responsibility for our behaviour always works out better. Trying to “get people on their side” never seems to achieve anything other than dividing the community, no matter how it is done.
(There are of course some cases of repeat consent violators who simply don’t want to improve, but these writings are really about people who want to negotiate in good faith).
Prevention
I do believe the old adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” really applies well to negotiations. Consent violations aren’t a requirement, and we don’t need to assume that they will happen. I believe I should continually strive to improve my skills so that mistakes rarely or never happen.
When they do, I want to do my best to take ownership of my actions and failings, and improve as a result of them.
Next time I’ll wrap up with some discussion of nuance and controversial topics.
