This is the sixth and final part of my notes about negotiations, discussing the styles of negotiation that I prefer to use. The first part is here: Negotiation Notes: Introduction
Negotiation Notes Part 6 : Wrap Up
In the previous writings, I have discussed how I feel that negotiations should be a collaborative process where we work together to create the best possible play scene for both of us. The second part talked about how I think Opt-In negotiations where I ask for enthusiastic consent to specific questions works best for me. Next were some thoughts on ways to make sure that we’re both negotiating from equal footing, and that we understand exactly what we are consenting to. Finally, there was discussion of potential problems, and how we can try to make things right when mistakes happen.
All of this has been what I think is right for me, at this time. My approach to negotiations has changed over time as I have practiced, and learned from my own mistakes as well as the mistakes of others. Nothing I have written is supposed to be the “one true way”, and I expect that my thoughts on it will continue to evolve.
Even though I have done my best to describe the contents of the workshops, I don’t think reading these will ever be a substitute for in person discussions about the topic. The questions and comments that come up and the details we get into can’t quite be captured in a few paragraphs of text.
Before wrapping up, I want to touch on a few of those miscellaneous questions or comments that have come up when we do these workshops in person. These aren’t in any particular order, and are just things that didn’t really fit well anywhere else.
Revoking Consent
I believe that anyone involved may revoke their consent to anything they previously agreed to, at any time, and without needing to justify or explain it.
Sometimes, this can be disappointing. The thing our partner just revoked consent for might be a thing that we really.wanted to do, it could even be the most fun element of the scene for us. I think it’s important that when this happens, I find ways to make the scene good for us anyway. Even when I am sad that I won’t get to do something I was looking forward to, I want to just accept it in the moment rather than let my partner feel bad for doing it. It is important to me that my partners feel comfortable to say “No” to me at any time – before, during or after the play.
It can feel like a rejection when someone revokes consent, as though I somehow failed. It can be especially hard if it is something that person has liked in the past, or something I have seen them do with other people.To work through this, it can help to remind myself of all the other things that they have consented to. Sometime after the scene is over, I might want to ask them if that removal of consent applies to future scenes as well, or if it is something they are still open to if we play again.
Aftercare
I think that aftercare needs to be negotiated just like any other scene elements. We each need to be able to be open and honest about what we want, need and expect from each other – as well as being clear about what we have the capacity to provide.
In some cases, the things we negotiate for in aftercare are things that our partner could revoke consent for. If we have negotiated intimate acts (kissing, sex, etc) as part of aftercare, either of us could decide we aren’t comfortable with that after the scene. For this reason, I think it’s important to not commit to more that we are sure we will want to provide (and I think it is unethical to offer aftercare that we know we are unlikely to be able to follow through on).
I also think that we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners about the relative importance of it. Am I planning a scene with this person mostly because I want to get to cuddle with them after we are done? That can be fine if I am honest about it, but very misleading otherwise. (see Hidden Motives in part 4)
Aftercare can look very different for each of us, and so open discussion is important. Not everyone wants a blanket, cuddles and chocolate afterwards. We might not even want aftercare from the person we played with, we could prefer that it come from a friend or other partner.
Time Bounds
Sometimes we’ll negotiate a scene where my partner will be surprised by it, like a kidnapping or capture scene. I think it’s good to establish time boundaries, even if they might seem obvious. Sometimes they are set for us, like if we are at a weekend long camping event and we know we’ll do the scene while we are there. Still, we should probably discuss if it applies only to this one camping weekend, or if the consent is extended to next year when we are back at the same place.
With a regular partner, we can expect that consent for “surprise” things like this ends when our relationship ends. With an occasional partner, it can be less clear. What if we haven’t played for a few months? Or if we’ve been separated for two years because of a pandemic?
Even something like a name or title we use with someone might only apply for a limited time. My partner might be ok with being called “girl” or “boy” during the scene, but not once the scene is over.
As with all things in negotiation, asking always works best.
CNC Play At Parties
When we’re negotiating play, and especially CNC type play at parties, there are other people to consider. The event host or DMs might need to be brought into the negotiations, at least to the point of letting them know that what we are doing is consensual even if it might appear otherwise, and to make them aware of any safewords that will be in effect.
If we are doing anything where there is intoxication involved, the same applies. Unless the other people around know that we have agreed that what we are doing was explicitly and consensually negotiated when we were both sober, it will appear non consensual. This will put people in the position of either needing to stop us, or possibly feeling guilty for not stopping us. (Although I don’t normally engage in play which involves intoxication, I do think it is a form of CNC play that can be done responsibly with proper negotiation).
Mystery
One of the most frequent questions is how to keep mystery, and the element of surprise present in a scene if we are negotiating so thoroughly. It’s a valid question – if we have asked permission for exactly what we’re going to do, then our partner knows what to expect. One thing I’ll do is to ask for consent for many more things that I can include in a scene. I might get the ok for bondage with ropes, chains, handcuffs and zip ties, although when the time comes I will only choose one of those. I might ask about hitting with implements that I don’t even plan to use (or even something about toys that I don’t even own).
I think the energy, and the connection in our scene is about much more than what toys I use and what physical acts I perform. It’s about my body language, my tone and expression, the ways we move, the sequence of events. With the same person, same set of toys and same negotiated limits I can create vastly different scenes. This is where the mystery and excitement comes from. I think of negotiations as filling my toolbox with tools – and then I get to use those tools to create something limited only by my imagination.
The Last Word
To me negotiating is a caring and loving process. It is the framework that my partner and I use to craft an experience that brings us both to the places we want to go. It’s the way that we can ask for what we want, and offer our partners the things we have to give.
I think it is a skill that all of us deserve to learn. I think it’s how we keep ourselves safe and respect our boundaries, and how we can show care for our partners. Learning negotiations has taught me about trust, confidence, humility and sincerity. It has let me practice handling rejection, and taught me how to say no with kindness. It has made me better at listening, and also at speaking up for myself.
I believe that negotiations don’t need to be seen as the boring prerequisite to BDSM play, but instead as an opportunity to truly express ourselves and explore with our partners. It’s rare that we get a chance to be so open and honest with another person about our wants and desires, and give them the chance to help us fulfill those. Of all the skills I have learned since finding this community, negotiations may be the most valuable.
