7 Red Flags to Look for in Tops

Hi! I’m Bunny. If you follow me on Instagram you’ve probably seen some of my takes on vetting tops and red flag behavior. If you haven’t don’t worry… I’m about to share my top 7 here.

Before I get into things I want to say that this is my own personal take on red flag behaviors in tops. I don’t speak for every bottom in the universe. I encourage each and every one of you to do your own reflecting and listen to your guts when deciding wether or not you’d like to play with someone. Hopefully this article will give you a starting place!

We’ve all heard as bottoms that it’s important to “protect” ourselves and look out for tops who exhibit “red flag” behavior but we don’t often talk about WHAT that behavior actually looks like, or why it is relevant.

Here are some of the behaviors which I consider “red flags” in tops.

1. Tops who only play in private.

This is probably one of the biggest red flags for me. If a top isn’t willing to play in public then I am absolutely not willing to engage with them.

Now, that’s not to say that playing in private is bad. I play in private all of the time. With my KNOWN partners.

However, if a top is new to me and I haven’t at least seen them play in public, then I have no way of keeping myself safe. I have no idea who this person is or how they play. I don’t know what kind of reputation they have or if they respect limits and safe words.

Playing in a public space with allies around helps keep these tops accountable to my safety. It also helps weed out the tops who may have malicious intents.

This should by no means replace proper vetting and negotiation but it is an added measure I find safety in.

2. Tops who seem to quickly move through play partners.

Have you ever seen those tops in the community who seem to always have someone new with them? Tops who attend events with a different partner every week? Tops who seems to be constantly on the lookout for new partners?

This begs the question “what’s going wrong here”?

Sometimes the fit just isn’t right and things don’t work out. That’s completely normal… but that’s not what I’m referring to here. I’m talking about people who can’t seem to sustain any kind of play relationship.

To me this indicates a bigger problem. One I would want to investigate further. Is it that the top can’t negotiate well? Is that they don’t respect their partners wants, needs, and limits? Is it that they treat their partners poorly? The list of questions goes on.

Without knowing the reasoning behind why these tops have difficulty maintaining play relationships I cannot feel safe to get involved with them.

Good tops tend to form connections with their play partners that may last months or years. Obviously not everyone is compatible but when none of the play relationships last for more than a one-time scene you may want to ask yourself why.

3. Tops who consistently target younger and/or newer bottoms.

This is problematic and dangerous.

Do you know why these tops target inexperienced bottoms? Because the bottoms don’t know any better. Because the bottoms are new and compliant and just believe the top when they say “this is how it should be” or “this is the normal way to do things”.

These tops target bottoms before they have a network of support around them. Before they have the chance to learn and know better. Before they become involved in the community.

Sadly this often results in bottoms getting hurt and leaving the community.

4. Tops who refuse to provide references.

If someone is new and they admit they are new, that’s fine.

If someone claims they have years of experience but won’t provide references, that is suspicious.

Experienced tops should be able to provide references for people they have played with, learned from, or from people who have seen them in action.

If a top isn’t willing to do that it is likely because they know their references will be less than favorable. Or they don’t really have the experience they claim to have. Either way… I’m not intetrsted.

5. Tops who aren’t willing to learn.

I have no issues with a top who doesn’t know how to do every type of play imaginable. I don’t expect any of my tops to be experts in everything.

What I do expect is that my tops are open to learning the skills they want to play with by attending workshops, speaking to people experienced in that play, and otherwise doing the appropriate research.

If a top isn’t willing to attend workshops to improve their practices and learn new skills then I have no desire to be their practice dummy or ginuea pig.

6. Tops who assume a D/s dynamic before it’s negotiated.

There’s nothing more offensive to me than someone who messages me with a “hey little girl” or “hey (insert submissive title)” or a top who starts placing demands on me before we have even discussed what our dynamic might look like.

Just because I am submissive to some people does not mean I am submissive to everyone. Tops who assume this dynamic from the start are problematic.

7. Tops who don’t negotiate BEFORE THE SCENE.

Tops who say they don’t need to negotiate or tops who attempt to negotiate mid-scene are a no go for me.

I want to know the parameters of our play BEFORE we start and I want those parameters to be honored.

Everything from what we want to feel and how we will communicate with one another to what kind of sexual contact we will have (if any) and what we need after play ends should all be discussed PRIOR to play.

Mid-scene negotiations (in most cases) are tricky at best and can lead to situations where a bottom says yes to something they would otherwise say no to.

These are only a hand full of behaviors which I would consider alarming. At the end of the day it is up to you to reflect on your own feelings of safety and assess your own risks. Generally I have found that if something doesn’t “feel” right, it probably isn’t. Those gut reactions and alarm bells that go off in our heads are there for a reason. I believe it is better to follow them and maybe miss out on an opportunity for play than ignore them and risk getting hurt in a way I didn’t consent to.