When considering whether or not I should play with someone, there are a few “red flags” that make me pause and question whether or not this is someone I should be with. To me a red flag isn’t an automatic disqualification, they are just warning signs to tell me to look closer. This is from a top perspective, since that’s how I play and so these apply to the bottoms that I am considering. Red flags from a bottoms perspective can be quite different, as seen in RopeyBunny’s article: 7 Red Flags to Look for in Tops.
This list is very personal, and won’t apply to everyone. For example, because of the types of play that I do and my physical characteristics, I am very rarely in a situation where I would feel in any physical danger. Other people won’t have this privilege, and so their red flags could include more to protect themselves from violence, for example.
The Basics
Apart from the “red flags”, there are some basic things that would stop me from considering someone further. To have any kind of relationship, play or otherwise, I need to be able to communicate clearly with my potential partner, and feel that we have similar interests and values.
There are many other factors that enter into our decisions of whether or not to play together, such as mutual attraction, trust, references, etc. Each of us will have different criteria that are important to us in play partners, and I don’t think there is any “one size fits all” set of guidelines when it comes to partner selection.
The Flags
Here are 5 things that I have come across that have made me stop and think twice, ask more questions, or simply decide not to pursue any further discussion. There are countless other things that could be red flags for other people, and not everyone will feel that these five apply to them.
1 – “No Limits”
Anytime someone approaches me and calls themselves a “no limits sub/slave”, warning bells go off in my head. Don’t get me wrong: with my long term partners, we often develop relationships with very wide consent and close to no limits. However, this comes from years of building trust in each other. We regularly demonstrate that we do respect each others boundaries, and show that we are committed to keeping ourselves and our partners safe.
When then first message I get from someone is “Hello Sir, i am a no limits slave that you can use as You wish”, it kills any interest I might have had in them.
Most of the play that I do requires lots of trust on both sides, and for me I need to see that my potential partner has self awareness before I can begin to trust. Showing me that they have considered their limits and boundaries, taken steps to protect their physical, mental and emotional health, and given thought to their capacity for play goes a long way towards making me feel like we can build something.
Closely related is the person who says they would “let” me do something to them. I’m not into people letting me do stuff, I want people who eagerly want the things I am going to do to them. Because of the nature of S/m, this often means that they are excited to have me do things that they won’t like. The important thing to me is to feel that they are an active and willing participant, not someone who is begrudgingly allowing me to do something.
2 – Checkbox
When someone I have never played with tells me they want me to help them “check off” an item on their list, it usually makes me lose interest. I want partners who have chosen me because they feel like we could have a connection, and not just because I have the skills to allow them to fulfill one of their bucket list items.
Of course, if I have an existing relationship or friendship with someone, then I am very often willing to do things for them. I’ll engage even in play that is maybe not my preferred type because I care about them and am happy to help them enjoy an experience.
If we haven’t talked before, then sending a message telling me you want me to help you fulfill a specific act makes me feel very disposable, like once you have done it you will have no further use for me. In general, I am not looking for people to do one time scenes with. I am looking for people to build a meaningful connection with, even if we will only rarely see each other. I want to feel like it was me that you wanted to play with, not just a pair of hands that could do what you wanted.
This usually doesn’t apply to group scenes. I’m often happy to be part of a group that does a takedown/capture scene to fulfill someone’s fantasy, even if I don’t know them. I regularly make myself available to organized crews at kink events for this purpose, or will join in if someone I know wants to give a partner a special experience.
3 – Indiscriminate
I am poly, and so are my partners. We regularly play with different people, and we expect the people we play with to do the same. I strongly encourage people to explore, to try playing with different partners, and to find the ones who are right for them.
For me the red flags come up when I see people who seem like the only reason they want to play with me is because they haven’t yet, like I am just someone to add to their kink CV. This is closely related to the point above about check boxes, except here the check boxes are people rather than activities.
When someone tells me they want to play with me because they have seen me play, seen how I treat my partners, or have similar ethical beliefs it encourages me. It makes me think that they actually have an interest in me as a person, and not just me as an online profile.
If I ask someone why they want to play with me, and the only answer seems to be because I am a well known top that they haven’t played with yet, it tells me that they are someone I probably want to avoid. I don’t want to just be a number on someone’s list, I want to have been carefully considered and chosen because we seem compatible.
4 – Asking for play before knowing me
Someone who proposes play before getting to know me raises some red flags for me, and the more intense, risky or challenging the play is the harder those flags wave.
I enjoy a lot of extreme and edgy play – but I want to do it with people I know and trust. If a first message from someone is telling me they want to do a day long CNC captivity scene with me, the alarm bells start ringing. I’d much rather the first message tell me they would like to get to know me to see if one day we might be able to do a scene together.
I’m sure that this way of thinking causes me to miss lots of opportunities to play, but that is ok with me. In some of the types of play I do a mistake or accident can affect us for the rest of our lives, so I am just not willing to take those chances with someone who is effectively a stranger.
If someone isn’t willing to invest the time and energy in getting to know me and forming a connection before engaging in play, then they aren’t someone I want to be playing with.
Of course, the amount of getting to know each other is proportional to the intensity of the play. I am very happy to get a message that says “Hey, I’ve seen you playing at the local rope space, and I’d like to have a coffee with you and discuss the possibility of us tying together”. I don’t expect us to court each other for years before doing a simple scene.
I understand that for some people not knowing their play partner is part of the kink, and I think that’s fine. If the excitement of playing with someone you haven’t met is important to you, and you can find a way to keep yourself safe(r), then have fun with it! These are my own personal limits based on some of the edgier types of play I do, and even for me there are some sex based scenes where I find some level of anonymity exciting.
5 – Secrecy
Someone telling me they are looking for something “discrete” will cause me to ask questions.
I am pretty private, and don’t go running around yelling about who I played with and what we did, but I not lie for you, and I don’t keep secrets from my long term partners.
The thing what worries me so much about secrecy is what will happen if things go wrong. What if my partner gets injured in play, but refuses to get medical treatment for reasons of privacy? What if I need assistance, but they don’t want me to call for the help I need because they will be seen? What if I accidentally leave a mark on them that someone sees?
I’m not talking about the people who just don’t want photos taken or posted – that is completely normal to me. There is no reason why every play session needs to be documented on social media, (In fact, the opposite might be true: people who seem to want to play with me only so they will have photos to post are also a red flag)
I don’t need to be able to tell people every detail of what we did together, but at the very least my sexual partners have a right to know who I have been having sex with. If someone expects me to keep that secret from the others in my life, then we won’t be compatible.
I understand that there are people who are in relationships where their partner doesn’t know (or doesn’t want to know) about their kinky play. As someone who is kinky and poly, and who tried monogamy in my early life I understand those challenges and frustrations. So, I am not saying that someone who is playing in secret is automatically disqualified from playing with me, but there will need to be a lot of discussion about the possible risks and repercussions. Ethical non monogamy will always be my preference.
Wrap Up
This isn’t a comprehensive list, and there will always be exceptions. Hopefully this will give some other people ideas to think about and decide what kinds of limits and boundaries they want to set as part of their own partner selection process.
I also want to acknowledge that I enjoy a lot of privilege due to my existing partnerships, skills, status, and reputation, so my experience finding and choosing play partners may be quite different from others.