Negotiation Notes, Part 1 : Introduction
I teach workshops on negotiation, and enjoy doing them. With limited capacities, it is hard to reach all the people we’d like to, and even with some online classes during the height of the pandemic it was hard to accommodate everyone.
I believe that in person hands-on learning is best for pretty much everything in BDSM, negotiations included. However I think that some written notes can be helpful even if they aren’t a substitute for a workshop. This is the first part of my notes, and I will follow up with the next sections in the coming weeks.
This is my take on negotiation, and what works for me. My practices have grown and changed over time, and this is where I am today. I don’t want to suggest that it is the only way, nor that my views won’t change in the future. I hope the ideas from my workshops and writings can encourage thought and discussion.
To me, negotiation is what lays the groundwork for fulfilling play and relationships. It is the mechanism that lets a top and bottom collaborate to create a unique, safe(r), and consensual experience. It lets us communicate our needs, wants and desires, and gives us the tools to set our boundaries and obtain consent so that we can confidently play with our partner.
I believe that negotiation should be started after I have already made a decision to play with someone: that the negotiation will help us define what we will and won’t do, but not whether or not we play. That frees us to be open and honest, without worrying that limits we set will cause our partner to lose interest in playing.
My preferred approach is to first meet the person, get to know them, and decide if they are someone I am interested in playing with. I might ask some other people in the community about them, or get some references. I believe that negotiations for play only work when we trust each other, so I make sure that I feel very comfortable before even bringing up the subject of play. Next, I might discuss the scene in general – and here I’ll be clear about what I want from it. Am I looking for a one time thing or am I open to developing a play relationship? Am I looking for a romantic, intimate or even sexual experience with them? Am I someone who likes to play in public, or only in private? Are we in current relationships that might restrict what we can do together? I think it is important to establish these general ideas of what we each want before even starting to negotiate. If I’ll only do non sexual play, then I should make sure that I’m not about to offer to play with someone for whom sex is an essential element of their kink. This way, we won’t discover any major incompatibility when we start to negotiate that prevents us from playing, or even worse make one of us agree to things we don’t really want.
I feel strongly that negotiation should be done before the play starts, and that nothing should be added during the scene, nor immediately after. Even something as simple as asking if they want to play with me again shouldn’t come up until we have gone our separate ways and had a chance to think about things. I do think that either of us is free to revoke consent for anything we had negotiated, at any time (including mid scene) and without needing to provide any explanation. I will remind my partners that even if they ask me mid scene to do something to them that we haven’t previously agreed on I won’t.
There are a few rare exceptions where I will agree to allow mid-scene negotiations with someone if I know them well, trust them completely and they are experienced. For anyone new to the community, or who I haven’t established a solid connection with, I will always insist that we won’t ask each other to add anything during our play.
While I do think negotiation is an important, serious and critical element of BDSM play, I also think it can be fun. To me, negotiation shouldn’t ever be adversarial. We aren’t trying to “get” something from each other, we are trying to work together to figure out what we can give each other. The process can be exciting, flirty and used to build anticipation and suspense. It’s one of the intimate times that we can be open about our kinks, and explore ways of realizing our fantasies. Rather than see it as an obligation, I view it as an opportunity.
Next time: Opt in vs Opt out negotiation.
