Hi! It’s me again! I previously provided you with my top 7 red flags to look for in tops. Along with observing red flags, I believe we should be vetting our tops before engaging in play. In fact, I will vet a top before I even negotiate with them. In simple terms: I will observe them and ask them questions in order to decide whether or not I think they will be a good, safe fit for me.
There is so much that goes into vetting it would be hard to cover it all in a single writing. Subtleties in behavior as well as responses to things like changed plans, altered locations etc. are all factors which I observe when vetting someone.
That being said here are some of the biggest things I like to keep in mind when vetting someone new to me.
1. Why do they want to play with ME
I want to feel unique and seen – not just convenient and available. I like hearing what characteristics of mine that top finds interesting. Do they want to play with me because they like how strong I am? Do they think we enjoy similar play styles? Do they like how I look when I suffer? Do they like that I’m able to communicate well? Do they think I’m cute? The list goes on. Knowing that a top has actually watched me play and has asked about me makes me feel like an individual and not just some sort of body to do “x,y,z” play on.
2. What are they looking for out of play.
It is important to me that the tops I play with are able to communicate honestly and effectively. To help assess this skill, I like to ask myself some of the following questions.
Is this person clear about their intentions and does what they say match with how they act? For example, if a top says they are into platonic rope but all of their photos are of them having sex with people who are tied up, I would want to investigate further.
Does the top have similar desires as me and do they have the emotional and time availability to meet what they say? I would want to check that we’re on the same page when it comes to things like the possibilities of ongoing play, romantic feelings, sexual contact, and commitment.
3. ASK around about the person.
Provided references are a great start but I would also recommend asking past partners, other bottoms and tops, people they have learned from, etc. I like to ask questions like how do they deal with conflict, how do they manage risks and safety, how do they respond when difficult feedback is given, do they listen to the needs of their bottom(s) etc.
I also look at if what they say online matches what they tell me in person (ex. do they claim to be very experienced in a certain type of play but make no reference to it online… or vice versa do they say online that they have been practicing rope bondage for several years but when you watch them tie they seem to struggle with even the most basic knots and frictions).*
* This may not be applicable for everyone. Not every top has a solid online presence. The main takeaway message here is to observe whether what they say aligns with what they do.
4. OBSERVE (when possible) how they interact with others.
I like to observe tops in action when I can. It can give me a lot of valuable information that may not be directly provided or covered when having a one-on-one conversation with them. It can also help me discern whether or not they are being truthful about what they say.
Some things I look out for are how they play with others, if they are attentive to their bottoms, if they seem to adjust their play as need be, and whether or not they respond to the bottom’s communication in a timely manner.
I also try to observe how they treat others around them. Does the top speak to bottoms with respect or do they “down-talk” or “topsplain”? Do they speak about other tops in kind regard or do they try to make it seem as though they are the only reputable top in the scene?
If I am are unable to witness this top in action (or sometimes even if I am) I try to also watch for how they behave with the general public. For example I will observe if they are polite and respectful to wait staff or the starbucks barista. The way someone treats those who are in a “serving / bottom” position can give me a nice insight into how they may treat me.
5. Ask them WHERE they learned the type of play they want to do.
I like to know that the tops I play with have taken the time and effort to learn the type of play they plan to do on me. I will ask them things like who their mentors were (if applicable), what kind of community events they attend, and if they have taken any classes or workshops. Getting a general sense of if everything “makes sense” and “fits” with what they claim helps me determine whether or not this person can be trustworthy and safe.
I do want to make one note on this. I think it is completely fine to be a new top who hasn’t yet had the chance to take classes on play “x,y,z” as long as they are willing to learn. A top who approaches me and admits they are inexperienced is much more appealing to me than a top who claims to have experience when he or she doesn’t.
In Summary
At the end of the day the biggest advice I can give you is I listen to your gut and see if it “feels” right. I try to remind myself that even if this opportunity isn’t right, there will be others and that sometimes it is worth waiting to find a better fit. If anything at all seems weird or fishy or if anything gives you a bad feeling you should be investigating it.
It is much more important for me to have meaningful, fulfilling play experiences that may be fewer and further in between than being able to play as much as possible with as many people as I can.
Disclaimer: I have a lot of privilege. I have two partners I see and play with on a pretty regular basis. I am relatively well-known in the local community and have access to events as well as play space at home. This has shaped my priorities with new encounters. That being said, if I had the same priorities as a new bottom as I do now, I could have avoided a lot of disappointing and somewhat dangerous play scenes and relationships.
