This is the third part of my notes about negotiations, discussing the styles of negotiation that I prefer to use. The first part is here: Negotiation Notes: Introduction
Negotiation Notes, Part 3 : Informed Consent
Consent
I think a key aspect of negotiations is obtaining and giving informed consent. To me, informed means more than just that we are aware of what we are consenting to, it means we are also considering why that consent is being given and any pressures that might be influencing the decisions.
Why we say yes
My partner could be saying yes to something because they want it (or at least think they do), but I also need to be aware that they might be saying yes for other reasons. They could think the only way they will get to play is by agreeing to things even if they don’t want them, or that they will be judged for saying “no”.
Most of the time when I negotiate, I am in a position of power and privilege relative to my partner. Apart from all the things which afford me privilege in society, there are extra things within the kink scene that are valued: I have been around for a while, and experience is usually valued in tops. I have developed skills in some sought after activities like rope bondage. I teach workshops and classes, so people tend to think I might know what I am doing. I have a secure place to play, access to the tools and materials I need.
So, when I am negotiating with someone, I need to be aware that I might be one of only a few people in the area who can do the scene we are discussing. They may think that they need to say “Yes” to everything I am asking, or they won’t get to do the play they want to do.
To try and mitigate this, I like to remind my partners that their answers during the negotiation will only change the details of what we do, but not whether or not we play.I can remind them that even though there may be some power exchange during our play, until we have negotiated otherwise we are equals. And, if I already have a D/s relationship with my partner, I can insist that we step out of our roles when negotiating anything new.
Likewise, I need to be self aware and honest about why I am saying yes. Maybe I am very physically attracted to the person, and willing to do things I am not normally interested in. Maybe I am very excited at the possibility of doing this kind of play and am willing to bend my principles. Maybe I am feeling obligated towards them, or worry that I have lead them on.
When I can fully appreciate all the factors that might be influencing my decisions, l am free to make an informed choice.
Social pressures
Apart from the pressures to please our partners, there can also be pressure from the community. Maybe we see that all the rope bottoms in our local space are topless when they get tied, and we don’t want to appear different so we go along with it. Whether as a bottom or top, our reputations are important to us and we don’t want to be seen as someone who isn’t fun to play with.
I think that honesty with each other about what we’re really comfortable with is the way to overcome these perceived pressures. If I remember that no matter what I am into, or what my limits are, there will be people out there who want the same things then I can be selective about what I agree to.
What we say yes to
The other side of informed consent is knowing what we are consenting to. I find that happens best when I use clear and unambiguous language. I want to make sure that my partner understands the terms I am using, but without resorting to “top-splaining” or otherwise acting condescending. As much as I can, I want it to be a conversation more than a lecture.
I think we both need to be willing to ask for clarifications or explanations of things we aren’t familiar with or aren’t sure about. If I have been good at building the relationship with my partner, I usually feel comfortable to ask questions and admit I don’t know things.
I want to be honest and let my partner know about the risks that I am aware of in the play we are discussing, while having the humility to recognize there are probably risks that I am not aware of. I prefer that the discussion of risks and ways to mitigate them be two way, this is one area where I especially value my partners ideas of how we can make things safer.
I try to remember to ask what words mean to my partner. Sometimes people will use vague terms like “sensual”, “sexy”, “intimate”. These can have very different meanings to each of us. Rather than guessing, I can ask: “what does a sexy scene mean to you?” Even words like “rough” and “violent” can be interpreted very differently.
The more we can be clear with each other, the more confidently I can play with my partner. When I am certain of exactly what they have consented to, I can act self assured, and really put myself into our scene.
Saying no
I want to give my partner the opportunity to say “no”, and the way I ask my questions can affect that. For example if I ask “what are your limits around sexual contact”, that implies that there will be some level of sexual activity. It might be better for me to first ask “do you want there to be any sexual contact between us?” before asking for limits around it.
I like to hear “no” from my partners during negotiations. It shows me that they are actually considering the things I am asking, and setting boundaries. It tells me they are comfortable enough with me to say “no”.
It also lets me show them that I can hear their “no”. By accepting their “no” without argument or demanding an explanation, I show my partner that they are safe to tell me “no”.
Practice
This all takes practice, and I welcome every chance I get. It has taken me over 20 years in the scene to learn what I have so far, and I believe that in the coming years I will discover more.
When I first tried negotiation, I didn’t know what I was doing. It was only through practicing with partners and learning from my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others that I got better at it.
Next time, I’ll discuss some potential pitfalls.
