Negotiation Notes Part 4 : Potential Pitfalls
This is the fourth part of my notes about negotiations, discussing the styles of negotiation that I prefer to use. The first part is here: Negotiation Notes: Introduction
No matter how long I have been practicing negotiations, the risk of mistakes and misunderstandings are still there. When I prepare and anticipate, I can often avoid them. I still make mistakes, but the more care I take, the less often they happen, and the smaller they are.
Everything I have discussed here and in the previous writings applies when we’re all negotiating in good faith, when we are honestly trying to collaborate with our partner to create a scene that gives us both what we want and need.
If we are negotiating with someone that is trying to deliberately mislead us, take advantage of us, or who is mis-representing their abilities or experience, then nothing in this writing will help. The best we can do is try to recognize these people from their style of negotiations (or lack of negotiations), and do our best to vet potential play partners before starting to negotiate.
Assumptions
When we assume instead of asking, we open the door to many potential problems. One common one is when we think that what we negotiated in the past still applies today, without checking. Even asking “Has anything changed since last time we played?” might not be enough. Our partner might forget that something they had consented to previously is no longer something they are comfortable with.
Sometimes we forget that our play partners might not be up to date with our life circumstances. A bottom who is now in a sexually exlusive monogamous relationship might expect that their top knows this and that sex is therefor no longer an option during play. Meanwhile, the top assumes that the sexual contact that was ok during previous sessions is still allowed.
If it has been a while, then going through a summary of our previous negotiation helps me to know that we are both still working with the same understanding.
Memory
My memory isn’t great – in fact it is bad enough that I often forget how bad it can be. Fortunately I know this now, so I make sure that I write things down. Even with that, I can forget things.
I find it is worst when my initial negotiations with someone were for a specific type of play, and then some time later we are doing something completely different. As an example, someone might tell me that slapping their face is a limit when we are discussing a rope suspension scene. Since it isn’t something I’d do anyway while doing rope suspension, I am likely to forget it. Then years later when we do some rough body play, I might not remember – and my partner, knowing they had already told me about it, might not think they need to remind me. This is why written notes that I review before playing can help me a lot.
During one long kidnapping/captivity scene, I had printed out the summary of the negotiations and bottom’s limits and posted it on the door to their cell so I could be reminded each time I entered. I knew that during a weekend long scene, with little sleep and dozens of types of play there was a very real possibility of me forgetting details.
I prefer to do all my negotiating in writing, via email or messages. That way I can easily copy and paste it all into a final document to review with my partner before playing. I find it very hard and potentially confusing when I am mixing written negotiations with verbal discussions.
Ongoing Relationships
A lot of what I discuss in my workshops, and in these writings, applies to one time scene negotiations. Things can change as relationships grow and develop. Something which was a limit during our first scene may now be something my partner consents to. As things transition from a session based play relationship to an ongoing power exchange relationship, new challenges come up. Now we need to have new conversations: we need to set the rules around how we will negotiate going forward. Instead of just discussing what we will do during play, we need to talk about when we will play, how often, and how we choose what types of play we do. I might need to have discussions about how and when we step outside of our D/s roles so that we can negotiate as equals, and how we separate relationship issues from our power exchange dynamic.
All of my relationships for the last 10+ years have started out as one-time play scenes, which gradually evolved into more. I have learned that applying the same principles works: asking about everything, using clear and plain language, being honest with myself and my partner about my needs, wants and limits. Just as I wasn’t good at scene negotiations when I started, it has taken time to learn to transition from scenes to relationships. I believe that practicing open communications will help me to continue to improve.
Hidden Motives
Negotiations work best for me when I am honest with myself about my motives. Before I even start, I need to ask myself what it is that I want to get out of this scene or relationship. When I was very new to the scene, I used to play with more or less anyone that expressed an interest, without stopping to think about why I should or shouldn’t. I was excited to get the chance to play, eager to learn and practice new skills. Honestly, wanting to practice something can be a perfectly good motive to play – as long as I am clear with myself and my partner about what I am doing. There are many of us in the community willing to play with newer people to help them learn – I’ll happily let a partner practice rope on me at a class while they are learning.
The problems come up when we hide our motives from our partners, or even worse from ourselves.
An example might be asking to practice a tie on someone at a rope practice, when what we really want is to get close and develop a relationship with them. I think it’s fine to be open to things like that if they happen, but if my primary drive is to turn someone into my play partner I shouldn’t pretend I just want to use them as a practice dummy.
For a while in our local community there was a trend of people wanting to do “photo shoots”. In many cases, the person proposing the shoot was using it as a way to get to play or have sex, but without having to reveal that motive. It was seen as easier to say “hey, we should do a photo shoot together” rather than “hey, I’d really like to play with you”. It would be presented as an offer of collaboration, rather than a request. Ultimately, when the motives didn’t line up one (or both) of the people involved would be disappointed.
It helps me to remind myself that if I don’t ask for what I want, I can be certain that I won’t get it. Asking and being honest about my desires never guarantees that I’ll get what I want, but at least there is a chance.
If there is something that I really need from a scene, some element that is crucial to my enjoyment of it, then I should be upfront about that before even starting negotiations.
I think I should also pay attention to what my partner is asking, and especially what they are not asking about. If I get the sense that there is something they are looking for but not explicitly stating, I can ask them directly. If I still feel uncomfortable and suspect that they want more than they are revealing I should probably listen to my instincts and back away.
Photos, social media and privacy
These days, it seems that taking photos of our play has become commonplace, and almost expected. We will often write about what we did and with who on social media platforms like this one.
It has become so accepted that sometimes we don’t think we need to ask about it, but I believe that we should include it within our negotiations.
If we are going to take photos, or allow photos to be taken, then I think we should talk about how they will be used, where they will go, and if we are going to explicitly consent to each post.
Likewise, if we are planning to write up descriptions of our play scenes and post them on social media, we should probably talk about it. Being poly, I may have other partners who will see that. Even though my partners might have a good idea of what type of play I am doing, they might not be expecting to read graphic details about it.
Occasionally we might encounter people who want complete privacy. I personally won’t agree to that – I always want to be able to answer questions honestly when it comes to a partner asking me who I saw and what I did. I don’t need to tell the world about what we have done together, but I won’t keep secrets for you. If it is something we require, I think it’s definitely better to talk about it up front rather than ask someone to keep a secret after playing.
Mid-scene negotiations
I don’t usually agree to allow mid scene negotiations, but there are a few times when I will.
One case is when I am playing with someone demisexual who might not be able to tell me in advance if they will want sexual activity during our scene. In these circumstances, I find it helps to identify what activities we can ask each other about during the scene. I have to have a lot of trust in my partner, and be confident that they know themselves well enough to assure me that they are capable of giving informed consent in the middle of play.
I feel that any time we agree to allow mid-scene negotiations we open ourselves to additional risks when it comes to consent, and so it’s something that I only do when there is a strong and compelling reason to. If I can find a way to have a scene that is fulfilling for both of us where everything is pre-negotiated, I will usually choose that.
Consensual Non Consent
CNC adds another dimension to negotiations, and to me it means that the negotiation needs to be even more thorough and detailed. Sadly, I have seen some cases where the participants thought that deciding to do CNC meant that negotiations could be short circuited, leading to tragic results.
Other times, the term “CNC” gets used as a euphemism for rough, forcefull sex. I think CNC doesn’t need to involve sex at all, and that if we are planning a sex based scene we should be clear about that, whether it is CNC or not.
I believe that in the simplest terms, consensual non consent happens any time we agree that I am not going to stop when my partner says “no”, and that their only way to stop me will be with a safe word.
I used to see people with shirts that said “No is not a safeword”. I personally don’t believe that – I think that unless we have negotiated otherwise, I should take words like “no” and “stop” at face value.
A very large part of the play that I do, and the relationships that I have include consensual non-consent, and I feel strongly that it is something that benefits from extensive and detailed negotiation. The topic is so broad (and potentially triggering) that I don’t normally get into it in detail during workshops, but I am happy to discuss it one on one with anyone interested.
Next time I will discuss when things go wrong.
